How to Deal With a Coworker You Personally Can't Stand

In the workplace, like anywhere else, you’ll inevitably meet people you don’t get along with—and even people you really can’t stand. It may be because your personalities or work styles clash, or it may be the result of a work conflict. In any case, you're not alone. 

In fact, nearly all the employees in one study (98% to be exact) said they had experienced workplace rudeness from a coworker. And, in a 2021 Korn Ferry survey, 70% said that working remotely made it easier to be rude to a coworker.

Without face-to-face interactions to strengthen our work relationships, we're more likely to develop negative–and often incorrect–assumptions about our coworkers' actions. Unlike in person, you can literally pretend you’re not there when someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer.

But just because it’s undetected doesn’t mean the resentment isn’t there, and avoiding coworkers with whom you have to collaborate can compromise your performance.

Here are some tips for coping with aggravating, annoying coworkers without jeopardizing your job. 

Make sure you're not the problem

The first step in managing a conflict is reflecting on your own actions. Are you stressed about work or your personal life and finding reasons to lash out? Are you stubbornly refusing to compromise? If you know they’ve been criticizing you, think about those criticisms—are they valid at all? 

Women who are subjected to workplace rudeness are more prone to adopt tougher, more authoritarian parenting methods, which can harm their children.

Think about what you dislike about your colleague and reflect on whether you have any of those traits yourself. While you may not be able to control their behavior, you can manage your own. 

Learn to take constructive criticism

If you dislike your coworker because they are critical of your work habits or behaviors, try to take a step back and hear what they are saying instead of jumping to the defense. 

First, see if what they are saying is constructive for your personal growth as an employee. How can you take what they say and improve? 

Why might they be saying those things to you? Are their observations or critiques valid and coming from an impartial place? Instead of becoming defensive when receiving constructive criticism from someone you dislike, try to see it as an opportunity to grow. 

Pick your battles

If you and a coworker constantly clash over decisions or ideas in the workplace, learn to pick your battles. You don't want to make every differing opinion into a fight. 

If it's not an important decision, you can choose to let it go. Then, when a bigger issue or project comes up, you can put a little more effort into fighting for what you think is right. 

Consider scheduling disagreements

Scheduling a meeting dedicated solely to allow employees to disagree may seem odd, but it’s an idea that is gaining momentum. 

An article in Forbes included the following email that encourages employees with differing opinions to be able to make their case. 

Dear employee:

I am scheduling a one-hour discussion and debate about possible ways to approach our problem of [DESCRIPTION OF PROBLEM]. Bring in your best arguments for or against moving forward with our proposed plan. 

The meeting will be on Friday at 1 p.m. and take one hour. You will each have five minutes to present your best case, then I will make a decision by Monday on our course of action. 

I want you to be of strong opinion and give me your best ideas! Although we have other issues, let's focus this discussion on the program.Even if your idea does not get chosen, I appreciate your strong opinions. 

As a reminder, there are no winners and losers here personally. No matter what decision I make, just hearing your point of view will help me form a better plan for the company and all of us. 

As a rule, let's focus on the project. If someone says something that you disagree with, I want to hear it, but of course, let's focus our energy on what is best for all of us professionally. 

This email reinforces that your boss values the team’s opinions. Hashing out a disagreement will show all involved the pros and cons of each side. And, ideally, the best option will prevail.

Consider the unintended consequences

Next time a coworker is rude to you, you may want to think twice about how you respond. 

A recent study found that when people are disrespectful to co-workers, they may not realize that the unintended victims of this behavior could be the co-workers' children. 

Women who are subjected to workplace rudeness are more prone to adopt tougher, more authoritarian parenting methods, which can harm their children.

The power of “the pause”

If a coworker says something that makes your blood boil, don’t respond like a sprinter off the blocks. Take a breath and count to ten—or twenty. And when you feel calm enough to react, do so with professionalism and tact.

Don’t send an email in the heat of the moment. In fact, when you’re angry, the best advice is to do nothing.

While you may not be able to control their behavior, you can manage your own.

Instead, step away from your computer. Take a walk or make yourself a snack. You’d be surprised how much just a little space and perspective can go towards helping you tackle even the most infuriating situations.

Don't vent or gossip to others

It's really tempting to vent to others when a coworker says something that aggravates you. In a way, venting is a normal part of life.

If you've ever connected with someone over a shared dislike, you know how quickly group-level bitching can bring people closer. ‌

However, if your boss (or another coworker) hears you bad-mouthing another coworker, you might earn a reputation for being unprofessional or even unkind. It certainly won't help your relationship with your coworker and may even affect your work or hurt your chances for a potential promotion. 

So, if you must vent, do so with someone you don’t work with.

Consider seeing a therapist

If you keep consistently come into conflicts with coworkers, you may benefit from seeing a therapist. Licensed mental health therapists are experienced with guiding people through difficult situations and can help resolve workplace conflicts, as well as other issues and conflicts.

Need help finding a therapist?

Monarch is an online directory of mental health therapists. You can search for a therapist by insurance, location, specialty, and more. Plus, you're able to view open appointments in therapists' schedules and request an appointment or free consultation.

Therapists near you: Check out the SimplePractice Monarch Directory to find licensed mental health therapists with availability and online booking.