Why it matters how we talk about reality TV

Let’s talk about gaslighting (again).

Fans of the reality dating show The Bachelorette took to social media in droves all this week to accuse and defend a contestant, Greg, of gaslighting and emotionally manipulating the show’s star, Katie. The use of psychological language on Twitter could actually mean something huge for everyone.

Expressions like “gaslighting,” “emotional manipulation,” or “anxious attachment,” have never been as ubiquitous as they are today. But it can be dangerous when laypeople use jargon specific to a particular expertise to evaluate others—especially those they’ve only ever seen on an edited television show. 

This week’s Twitter storm highlights the fact two different people can look at the exact same conversation and have totally different ideas about what happened.

So...What happened?

The Bachelorette, as you’re probably aware, is an extremely popular reality television show in which one woman (in this case, Katie) dates a couple dozen men who are implicitly in love with her, and slowly whittles the group down to one lucky man, who then proposes marriage. It’s not exactly Freud, but it’s fun TV.

What fans are reacting to this week is an interaction between the titular bachelorette and one of her suitors, Greg, during which he professes his love for her, evidently expecting her to verbally reciprocate those feelings. Katie, having explicitly said she wants to save the word “love” for the last man standing, her presumed fiancee, does not.

What ensues is an argument that spans two days and a wide range of emotion. Greg, telling cameras “I’m in love with this girl….it’s clear to me she’s not feeling the same,” breaks up with Katie. You can find the drama (and context) in this clip.

So, is this gaslighting?

Well, it depends on whom you ask. Some have argued that Greg’s insistence on repeatedly expounding their connection and urging Katie to agree to commit  sounds like he’s telling her what she feels, which points to manipulation. At one point, he even tells her that her recollection of their earlier conversation is inaccurate, a common hallmark of gaslighting. 

Others say Katie’s refusal to say “I love you” is manipulative because it strings him along, and that his needing reassurance from a potential life partner is totally reasonable.

It should be said that those arguing are, by and large, everyday TV fans on Twitter, and that armchair diagnoses are far from clinical. Important, too, is to point out that this fairly ordinary event—a couple having a disagreement based on miscommunication—is warped by the utterly extraordinary fact that it’s happening on a TV show.

“Gaslighting” and therapeutic language in the mainstream

But what’s most interesting about this whole event is how it has brought emotional manipulation—even just as a concept—to the mainstream. 

Gaslighting is, by its very nature, subtle and slippery; if one is being gaslit, they are by definition highly unlikely to realize it in the moment. All forms of emotional manipulation are designed to be hard to pin down. The self-questioning that follows is exactly what is so traumatizing about experiences of emotional abuse.

armchair diagnoses are far from clinical

So while it’s not necessarily remarkable that people across #BachelorNation are engaging in conversations about gaslighting—the fandom has always been both robust and talkative—it’s remarkable that they have the language to do so.

This suggests a level of fluency in both emotional dynamics and psychological terminology that would have been pretty unthinkable even a decade ago. 

The internet, television, and movies have all contributed to both an increased awareness around mental health issues, and more tools for discussing them. People across social media routinely see, make, and share content discussing mental health issues. This phenomenon has introduced many terms previously relegated to therapist’s offices and the pages of the DSM into a more common lexicon.

Sometimes people use this content to raise awareness, sometimes to share their own experiences and connect with a wider community—and sometimes, to talk about something they’ve just seen on their favorite television show. 

while it’s not necessarily remarkable that people across #BachelorNation are engaging in conversations about gaslighting—the fandom has always been both robust and talkative—it’s remarkable that they have the language to do so

At the end of the day, The Bachelorette is just that: a TV show. And one that’s heavily edited by producers, at that. None of us know or can know the entirety of Greg’s and Katie’s relationship—and even if we did, very few of us would actually be qualified to call any behavior “abusive."

But the fact that people are so openly having these conversations in public is indicative of a world with a new view on mental health issues.

On the one hand, it demonstrates that we are less likely to sweep conversations about mental health under the rug. As awareness increases that mental health is health, thanks largely to the advocacy of both public figures and everyday people, we are slowly but surely dismantling the stigma that has prevented many from discussing struggles and seeking care in the past.

On the other, it’s important to note that while increased knowledge of psychological terms and dynamics can help people find both communities and tools for coping with their varied experiences, it can become problematic when we extend that knowledge beyond ourselves. As tempting as it may be to use our newly gained mental health understanding to diagnose strangers, it can do more harm than good. 

The fact that people are so openly having these conversations in public is indicative of a world with a new view on mental health issues.

In the case of The Bachelorette, it can be argued that public conversation about the cast’s behavior, up to and including applying labels, is par for the course. It’s important, however, to keep this habit out of our day-to-day lives. If considering Greg and Katie’s situation sparked a new awareness for you about your own life, more power to you. But it’s best to refrain from viewing your friends’ relationships through a similarly analytical lens. 

Ultimately, as LCSW Ellen Birros says, the scientific definitions of these terms aren’t as important as how the behavior makes its recipients feel. “Being gaslit is all about how it makes you feel,” she writes, “It’s not about whether you are right or wrong.”